The Loss We Feel

Written March 2019

We were ready to start our family.

A lot has happened in the past year. In April 2018, I found out I was pregnant with my first child. It was a bit of a surprise- my husband and I weren’t exactly trying for a baby, but we also weren’t trying hard to not have a baby. My period was a couple weeks late, but I didn’t think too much of it until I realized my boobs were SUPER sore and I was EXHAUSTED no matter how much I slept. I took a pregnancy test while my husband was working out of town because I really didn’t think I was pregnant. However, the test showed two distinct lines before I could even zip my pants up after peeing on the stick!

My hands were shaking and I couldn’t believe I was actually pregnant! I wanted to tell my husband in person, but he wasn’t going to be home for two more nights. When I talked to my husband on the phone the next night, I couldn’t keep my secret any longer. I told my husband I was pregnant and I could tell he was shocked. He responded by saying he was surprised, but excited. What a relief!

I set my first doctor’s appointment for 10 weeks (I was about 5 weeks when I found out) and quickly began researching everything for my pregnancy and the baby. For the next few weeks my husband and I talked about how excited we were for the baby and our future as a growing family. We were ecstatic!

I decided to tell my mom the news when we visited SoCal days after our 3 year wedding anniversary. We told my siblings too and everyone was so happy for us! My mom even took me shopping for maternity clothes since she knew we wouldn’t have the opportunity to do the shopping together later in my pregnancy. 

Blair and I stayed by the beach for a few days on that trip. That was when things started to go wrong. On our last full day by the beach, I woke up and had some spotting. I was a little worried, but figured it was just another early pregnancy symptom. We were one week away from my 10 week appointment. We spent the morning browsing the shops and made plans to go to an MLB game that evening. While we were walking around my back started to hurt and I told my husband I wanted to relax that afternoon.

We went down to the beach and as we sunbathed I started having cramps that felt like they do during my period. In the back of my mind I knew this wasn’t normal. I silently prayed that I wasn’t losing my baby. I watched a family playing on the beach and thought about how badly I wanted kids of my own. As the cramps and back pain intensified, I knew everything was not okay. I finally told my husband I needed to go back to our room and use the restroom. That was when I found out what I already knew- I was losing my baby. I was heartbroken. I called my mom to tell her we were coming home from the beach early.

We stayed a couple extra days with my family. The night after my miscarriage began, I was browsing Instagram and saw a friend’s baby announcement. I immediately broke down and asked my sister to get Blair. Blair came in and held me as I cried. Blair dealt with a lot of my tears over the next several weeks and months. We came back to Utah after spending a couple days at my parents’ house. I saw my doctor and he gave me the week off work. 

Even when I went back to work, I struggled. There were several times I had to excuse myself after seeing a baby or a pregnant woman. When this happened I usually went to my car or the breakroom to cry and call my husband or my mom. They were the only ones who could come close to understanding what I was going through. 

Mother’s Day was a week after I lost my baby. That was a hard day. I stayed off social media. That day was the first time I saw how badly the miscarriage affected Blair. He had seen a post from one of our favorite music artists about how appreciative he was of his baby’s mother. Blair broke down in tears and we held each other and cried together. This was a hard time, but it was comforting to know we didn’t have to go through it alone. 

My first pregnancy showed us that we were ready to start our family. It also showed me how fragile life is and how common it is to lose a pregnancy. I have my sweet baby now, but I still struggle with understanding my miscarriage.